The light inside

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Sometimes I find that songs say better what I am thinking than my words. This is my theme song right now. I am so thankful for this song. I hope it blesses you if you are worn.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

God is good

I was listening to the Christian radio station yesterday, and a lady called in to say that God was good, she had been praying for a full time position to open up where she worked part time and it had and she was going to start working full time. 
Yeah. Good for her. I am truly glad that she received that blessing and God is good. I am glad he answered her prayers.

I'm also here to say that God is good. Yes I am blessed. My husband has a full time job & I have part time work (actually when school starts I'll have 3 part time jobs), but this is a HARD season for us.

We have a failed business and legal settlement behind us, but the wounds are still raw. Money is tight. Did you read in my previous post that we have a loved one in prison? Yeah, let's just be honest and say that dealing with that is difficult, and not dealing with it just makes everything more difficult. As you could imagine that also puts additional strains on family relationships on that side... Oh, and our house in Tennessee, our renters aren't going to buy it in a few months.  (This is, I know, a blessing somehow, but it makes me a little nervous.)

Our feelings are raw and our emotions are frazzled. We are weary. We have been in this situation for almost 18 months now. Not much has changed. It is hard sometimes to get up and face the same thing over again. We are starting to loose patience with each other. There are dark days and it's just hard.

But like I said- God is good. 

I haven't always felt that. I haven't always seen Him at work, or understood any of what He is doing.
But- God is good.

His goodness does not depend on my situation. His goodness does not depend on my happiness. My God is good-ALL THE TIME.

I'll say it in the good times, I'll say it in the low times.

GOD IS GOOD. All the time.

Monday, July 15, 2013

A long silence...

It has been a long time since I have posted here.  It has been difficult to write.  There is so much that has happened over the 11 months since I last posted.

Let's start with the fun things:
  • Daniel was born! Happy, healthy, and a pretty chill baby. He isn't our best sleeper but he is overall a great baby and a wonderful addition to our family.
  • Both of my big kids had great years at school. They had wonderful teachers, they excelled socially and academically, and I am tremendously pleased with their new school.
  • Justin really loves his job. It is not all sunshine and roses, and there is still office drama; but he is busy he loves his role at the office and really enjoys the work he does.
  • Evan has handled the entire year of transitions really well. He did well with the move, his new preschool, and adding Daniel. He's a great 3 year old boy.
  • Another great thing: We're NOT moving!!! Elizabeth asked me as the school year ended if she would be at this school again, "because summer is coming, and we move in the summers." Poor sweet girl clearly we've done that a lot.
Now onto updating issues discussed previously:
  • Our house. We have renters, who hopefully in a few months will purchase our house. I will confess, I love that house but I am so ready to be done with owning that property.
  • The contract issues with our previous employer have been resolved. It took lawyers, and a ridiculous settlement, but at least they are settled and we can put that behind us. I am really unsure as to what we are supposed to have learned/ be learning through this experience but I know God is with us even when things seem unjust.
  • Our 2 family members with court dates have been to court. This has been a very difficult season as someone incredibly close to us has been sentenced to prison for 6 years. I am in no way upset by the justice system, but that doesn't make it any easier. We have seen God's wisdom & provisions for him and all involved. But, I cannot say that it has been anything but incredibly difficult. There are so many times I do not have words, or know how to help. Having to explain things to our children that I would much rather have shielded them from has been painful and hard. This will continue to be a hard and long process. There is still much that has to be dealt with and our lives will never be the same.
It has been a blessed year, but as I have said before it is not a year I would want to repeat. I don't know how many of you actually check this blog frequently, but to those of you who actually read this thanks for your patience with the update.

Monday, August 27, 2012


I was just thinking as I sat here this morning reflecting on dropping our big 2 off for the start of school this morning, about my definition of good.

What is good?

You see I was thinking about some of the things that are a little chaotic in our lives now, and how I wish they were resolved. Not only do I wish they were resolved, but I wish they were resolved in the manner of my preference.  Ever been there before? I'm sure you have.

Then Romans 8:28 popped into my head. In case you aren't familiar with it, it says this: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

But if I believe what I profess to believe then I must confess that I believe God is working. And if I believe that God is working, then I must believe he is working "for the good."  So here I am, what is good?

At first I want to say that good things make me happy, they give me warm fuzzies, I'd take all good things all the time.  But, isn't that a pretty juvenile definition of good?

Why do I make my kids go to bed even when they are not sleepy? Because it is good for them. Why do I not eat the entire thing of cookie dough in my fridge in one night? Because it is not good for me. Why do I force my kids to continue with a job, or a task, or an activity that they don't enjoy. Because learning to finish something is good for them. Why do I balance my checkbook when I don't really want to? Because having a grasp on our finances is good for our family.  I'm sure you get the picture.

If I define "good" things as things that are always pleasant and nice then I am really doing a poor job defining the word.

Good things are not always easy, or comfortable, or nice. They don't always make you happy or want to sing.  They are not always the way you would have preferred or even chosen.  But they are always beneficial.  Sometimes only in the big picture and sometimes only in the rear view mirror.

So as I sit and think about the crazy things in my life, I breathe, and take some in some of  His peace. Knowing that it is all working for my "good." That may not be the easy, comfortable, peaceful, relaxing way I would prefer. (I am totally ok, if it does work out that way!) But I rest knowing that it will be for my good, and I will see that some day.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

A big week

This is a big week for our family... 
This is a week of ends, of last times, and goodbyes.  This will be a difficult week.
This is a week of beginnings, of first times, and starting over. This will be a great week.

This week we leave the home we have known for just over a year here in Tennessee, and move to our new life in Texas.
We say goodbye to the people who have become our new friends, and spiritual family. 
We begin the closing of a chapter in our lives that has been difficult, and not at all what we anticipated. A chapter where we have cried, prayed, grown together and lost some of the innocence we once had.  We are wiser, stronger, and have a better knowledge of God and what relying on Him looks like. But I confess I would rather not repeat a year like this one. :)

As I look back and look forward I realize that I need to update on the ways that God (and trust me it has been ALL God) has accomplished for us these last 2 months:

  • Our house- As of this moment this issue is not completely resolved. But in the last week we have had movement (crazy cool God stuff- something coming together the last week we live in town!) and Lord willing we will have some resolution to this issue soon.
  • Contract issues with our job here.  These still exist, and we have not seen how God's provision will come about in this instance. But I live in full confidence that God has already worked this out for us however is best, even if it is not my ideal. :)
  • Our two family members still wait on possible court dates, but we have seen God's working in these matter.  There has already been great movement of His spirit in both our hearts and lives, and theirs.  Although, your prayers would still be greatly appreciated.
  • Justin DOES have a medical license (at least it is being processed) in the state we are moving to!!! This was COMPLETELY God.  To get a license Justin needed to take and pass a JP exam.  These are only given 4 or 5 times a year, and you have to have all of your paperwork in to the examiners 60 days prior to the exam. Despite our best efforts it did not look like this would happen (paperwork was slow in coming from other states, fingerprints were returned as "insufficient" and had to be redone, etc.). However they got all of his paperwork in and allowed him to take the test. So after a long drive he took the test and found out sooner than expected that he passed!!!
  • We found a place to live in Texas. It is bigger and nicer than we expected and we have great landlords!!
  • The reoccurring health issues are still there, but they have been managed once again. And through it all we learned again about God and had the financial resources to take care of all incurred expenses!
It has been an exhausting and difficult ride, but we have known God was with us all the way. If you read this and would like to say a prayer for us we would greatly appreciate it.  We are praying that this next chapter brings us exactly to where God needs us to be, ministering in and to the exact places he wants us. And if I am totally honest, a small bit of respite to catch our breath wouldn't be bad either. ;)

Saturday, June 09, 2012


"I think people look more closely at our actions in the rough times, when the emotions are raw and our guard is down. That's when our true character shows and we find out if our faith is real." - Tony Dungy

Often over the last 10+ years I have been convinced that I peaked (spiritually speaking) in high school. When I was in high school I felt like I knew who I was, how and where I needed to be serving and I did it with great fervor.  Since then, especially in my adult years, I have not had the certainty or fervor of my youth.
This last week I had a revelation: I haven't peaked. In fact, this is my time to shine for the Lord. My life is quite crazy right now. And the only way for me to shine is to acknowledge my total lack of control of this thing I call "my life" and then update you on how God is working in amazing ways in our life. 
So here is a little of what is going on in our lives, and where I expect to give God the glory for the marvelous ways he works.
  • Right now we have our house on the market, where it typically takes a minimum of 6 months to sell. We leave in 2 months... God is good!
  • There are contract issues with leaving the job here... God is merciful!
  • Two of our extended family members are waiting on possible court dates... God is faithful!
  • Justin doesn't have a license in the state we are moving to...God is soverign!
  • We don't know where we will live when we get to Texas... God will provide!
  • There are reoccurring health concerns and worries coming back again...God is holy!
God I do not doubt your presence and faithfulness. Please be near to us, and do things in our lives that only you can. Please forgive us when we fear and doubt. Hold us in this crazy time.

To God be the glory.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The unexpected next step..

Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  I confess this is a step I did not foresee.  After less than a year here in Tennessee Justin has turned in his letter of resignation, and found a new job.  It has been a long and difficult process and making the decision to leave was a difficult one.  There are lots of reasons that we believe this decision the right one but most of all I feel like God is leading us to our new place.  I prayed often that if we weren't supposed to go that this new job opportunity would not work out. There were days I did not think the offer would come through but it did.
So as of right now we will leave this beautiful place in three months and make our new home in Texas.  I quoted the verse earlier and it makes me smile because just over 9 years ago when Justin and I were deciding what we should do with the year we would have off between college and med school we made a deal.  We would go to Colorado for a year and then he would bring me back to Texas. If you know our story then you know that in the last nine years we have spent 9 months in Texas and it was never a permanent place. :)  When we moved here to Tennessee last year I had given up on ever moving back to Texas.  I had just decided that it was not where God needed us.
There is still a lot of things to be done and details to be worked out. And I am tempted to be stressed out and overwhelmed by all that is and can come from this transition time.  But it is my prayer that God will make the darkness bright before us and smooth out the road ahead of us, as he promised the Israelites in Isaiah.  It is also my prayer that God is glorified through this transition and that I will be able to report back all of the amazing things He has done for us that only He could do.  So instead of being overwhelmed and stressed I will step out in faith, and will wait to declare the goodness of God. 
Here goes our next adventure....