"Good"

I was just thinking as I sat here this morning reflecting on dropping our big 2 off for the start of school this morning, about my definition of good.

What is good?

You see I was thinking about some of the things that are a little chaotic in our lives now, and how I wish they were resolved. Not only do I wish they were resolved, but I wish they were resolved in the manner of my preference.  Ever been there before? I'm sure you have.

Then Romans 8:28 popped into my head. In case you aren't familiar with it, it says this: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

But if I believe what I profess to believe then I must confess that I believe God is working. And if I believe that God is working, then I must believe he is working "for the good."  So here I am, what is good?

At first I want to say that good things make me happy, they give me warm fuzzies, I'd take all good things all the time.  But, isn't that a pretty juvenile definition of good?

Why do I make my kids go to bed even when they are not sleepy? Because it is good for them. Why do I not eat the entire thing of cookie dough in my fridge in one night? Because it is not good for me. Why do I force my kids to continue with a job, or a task, or an activity that they don't enjoy. Because learning to finish something is good for them. Why do I balance my checkbook when I don't really want to? Because having a grasp on our finances is good for our family.  I'm sure you get the picture.

If I define "good" things as things that are always pleasant and nice then I am really doing a poor job defining the word.

Good things are not always easy, or comfortable, or nice. They don't always make you happy or want to sing.  They are not always the way you would have preferred or even chosen.  But they are always beneficial.  Sometimes only in the big picture and sometimes only in the rear view mirror.

So as I sit and think about the crazy things in my life, I breathe, and take some in some of  His peace. Knowing that it is all working for my "good." That may not be the easy, comfortable, peaceful, relaxing way I would prefer. (I am totally ok, if it does work out that way!) But I rest knowing that it will be for my good, and I will see that some day.

A big week

This is a big week for our family... 
This is a week of ends, of last times, and goodbyes.  This will be a difficult week.
This is a week of beginnings, of first times, and starting over. This will be a great week.

This week we leave the home we have known for just over a year here in Tennessee, and move to our new life in Texas.
We say goodbye to the people who have become our new friends, and spiritual family. 
We begin the closing of a chapter in our lives that has been difficult, and not at all what we anticipated. A chapter where we have cried, prayed, grown together and lost some of the innocence we once had.  We are wiser, stronger, and have a better knowledge of God and what relying on Him looks like. But I confess I would rather not repeat a year like this one. :)

As I look back and look forward I realize that I need to update on the ways that God (and trust me it has been ALL God) has accomplished for us these last 2 months:

• Our house- As of this moment this issue is not completely resolved. But in the last week we have had movement (crazy cool God stuff- something coming together the last week we live in town!) and Lord willing we will have some resolution to this issue soon.
• Contract issues with our job here.  These still exist, and we have not seen how God's provision will come about in this instance. But I live in full confidence that God has already worked this out for us however is best, even if it is not my ideal. :)
• Our two family members still wait on possible court dates, but we have seen God's working in these matter.  There has already been great movement of His spirit in both our hearts and lives, and theirs.  Although, your prayers would still be greatly appreciated.
• Justin DOES have a medical license (at least it is being processed) in the state we are moving to!!! This was COMPLETELY God.  To get a license Justin needed to take and pass a JP exam.  These are only given 4 or 5 times a year, and you have to have all of your paperwork in to the examiners 60 days prior to the exam. Despite our best efforts it did not look like this would happen (paperwork was slow in coming from other states, fingerprints were returned as "insufficient" and had to be redone, etc.). However they got all of his paperwork in and allowed him to take the test. So after a long drive he took the test and found out sooner than expected that he passed!!!
• We found a place to live in Texas. It is bigger and nicer than we expected and we have great landlords!!
• The reoccurring health issues are still there, but they have been managed once again. And through it all we learned again about God and had the financial resources to take care of all incurred expenses!

It has been an exhausting and difficult ride, but we have known God was with us all the way. If you read this and would like to say a prayer for us we would greatly appreciate it.  We are praying that this next chapter brings us exactly to where God needs us to be, ministering in and to the exact places he wants us. And if I am totally honest, a small bit of respite to catch our breath wouldn't be bad either. ;)

Peaked

"I think people look more closely at our actions in the rough times, when the emotions are raw and our guard is down. That's when our true character shows and we find out if our faith is real." - Tony Dungy

Often over the last 10+ years I have been convinced that I peaked (spiritually speaking) in high school. When I was in high school I felt like I knew who I was, how and where I needed to be serving and I did it with great fervor.  Since then, especially in my adult years, I have not had the certainty or fervor of my youth.
This last week I had a revelation: I haven't peaked. In fact, this is my time to shine for the Lord. My life is quite crazy right now. And the only way for me to shine is to acknowledge my total lack of control of this thing I call "my life" and then update you on how God is working in amazing ways in our life. 
So here is a little of what is going on in our lives, and where I expect to give God the glory for the marvelous ways he works.

• Right now we have our house on the market, where it typically takes a minimum of 6 months to sell. We leave in 2 months... God is good!
• There are contract issues with leaving the job here... God is merciful!
• Two of our extended family members are waiting on possible court dates... God is faithful!
• Justin doesn't have a license in the state we are moving to...God is soverign!
• We don't know where we will live when we get to Texas... God will provide!
• There are reoccurring health concerns and worries coming back again...God is holy!

God I do not doubt your presence and faithfulness. Please be near to us, and do things in our lives that only you can. Please forgive us when we fear and doubt. Hold us in this crazy time.

To God be the glory.

The unexpected next step..

Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  I confess this is a step I did not foresee.  After less than a year here in Tennessee Justin has turned in his letter of resignation, and found a new job.  It has been a long and difficult process and making the decision to leave was a difficult one.  There are lots of reasons that we believe this decision the right one but most of all I feel like God is leading us to our new place.  I prayed often that if we weren't supposed to go that this new job opportunity would not work out. There were days I did not think the offer would come through but it did.
So as of right now we will leave this beautiful place in three months and make our new home in Texas.  I quoted the verse earlier and it makes me smile because just over 9 years ago when Justin and I were deciding what we should do with the year we would have off between college and med school we made a deal.  We would go to Colorado for a year and then he would bring me back to Texas. If you know our story then you know that in the last nine years we have spent 9 months in Texas and it was never a permanent place. :)  When we moved here to Tennessee last year I had given up on ever moving back to Texas.  I had just decided that it was not where God needed us.
There is still a lot of things to be done and details to be worked out. And I am tempted to be stressed out and overwhelmed by all that is and can come from this transition time.  But it is my prayer that God will make the darkness bright before us and smooth out the road ahead of us, as he promised the Israelites in Isaiah.  It is also my prayer that God is glorified through this transition and that I will be able to report back all of the amazing things He has done for us that only He could do.  So instead of being overwhelmed and stressed I will step out in faith, and will wait to declare the goodness of God. 
Here goes our next adventure....

Holding Pattern

Right now our lives are in somewhat of a holding pattern. There are events and changes looming on the horizon. And while not all of these events actually involve us they will have an effect on our lives.

The horizon is where these things have been lingering for the last several weeks and that does not appear to be changing anytime soon. So we sit and we wait.

I confess I am not very good at waiting. I am the type of person who always guesses which line will be quickest and then keeps track to see if I chose correctly. Like I said waiting is not one of my strengths.

But waiting is where I find myself. There is nothing I can do about to change the situation.

Yesterday I was thinking about this period of waiting, and this scripture came to mind "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isiah 40:31

So instead of hating and enduring this waiting period I have decided to try my best and rest in it. To seek to honor God with this time of waiting. To proclaim my trust in His divine nature and timing that is perfect. To admit that he can see far beyond the scope of my limited vision and to trust Him with our future.

So Lord, in this season of waiting please be our strength and renew us. Foster our spirits that when what is on the horizon comes we will be able to run and not grow weary, that we will walk with you and not faint.

In researching in my concordance the word waiting I came across Psalm 40. After the first 4 verses that talk about waiting on the Lord, verse 5 says this: "Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Please Lord let this be our testimony of you too when the waiting is done.

Until then I'll be here circling and holding. Holding onto Jesus.

Things I love about today

A theme I have been encountering lately is the spirit of gratitude. I am realizing that taking the time to be thankful is such a blessing to my soul. I want to honor God with these reflections and thank him for the ways I am blessed today. So, here is a list of things I love about my life right now in middle Tennessee...
We have amazing neighbors. I have so many surrogate grandmothers to love on my kids. We have practically built in babysitters next door whom my kids adore. I can hardly wait for it to really warm up again so everyone is back out and chatting in their yards.
I really love our house. It is warm, beautiful, and incredibly spacious. It is nicer than I ever expected to own.
I have become much more involved in my children's education and learning experiences. I am enjoying challenging them in new ways and helping to feed their hunger for learning.
This is a beautiful part of the country. I am looking forward to having more time to spend enjoying it's beauty this spring.
I am only a few hours away from an aunt and great friend from college. (The closest I've been in years to family or old friends.
Our Sunday school class is wonderful. What a blessing to be surrounded by such great, truth seeking people.
I am overwhelmed with options for bible studies. I literally can think of 5 studies I have access to other than Sunday mornings. How wonderful to have access to so many bible study opportunities that I have to choose since I can't do them all.
CBS- One of the bible studies I attend is an in depth study for 2 hours every week. It is very different from any other study I have done before, but I am enjoying it and the challenge of sticking with it.
ASK- Perhaps my favorite thing about right now is ASK. ASK stands for After School Kids. It is a bible study for school age kids that happens once a week. Every week they have bible homework to do and then get together for a time of praise, a lesson, and small groups where they go over their lesson. I am blessed to be a leader in this study, and I love my time with my girls. However my favorite part is the worship time. Because I am a leader all 3 of my kids get to come. My boys aren't old enough for class but they get to come to worship time. I cannot tell the amazing experience it is to see my two oldest children hold up their bibles and say "This is my bible. I am what it says I am. I can do what it says I can do." etc. Then to get to watch them sing "My Redeemer lives." It brings me to tears almost every week.
Thank you God for bringing us here. I know your ways are higher than mine. Thank you for all that you are doing in our lives.

The other side of the veil: A post for my sister podiatry (or any other medical specialty) widows

This post is directed at all of those women whom I love and with whom I share the common bond of what we jokingly refer to as "medical widowhood." I realize in meeting more people and talking to some of you that this is not a condition that is exclusive to the medical community. So, to all out there who share in losing your spouse part of the time to their dedication to work welcome.
Here I sit on "the other side." My husband is finally a "real" doctor. He is making "real" doctor money. He no longer works the insane hours of residency. He isn't constantly studying for an upcoming exam or answering a pager. He isn't spending his few hours at home texting or chatting with someone about who they have to see, where he needs to be tomorrow or other plans he may need to make. He is actually home for dinner (most nights) and isn't falling asleep faster than the children in the evenings. I actually have the ability to call him during the day and not worry he will get yelled at for having a life outside of work. He rarely works on the weekends.
All of that is wonderful, and yet....
Wait, what? There is a yet? a but? a caveat? How can that be? Just look at that list! Things are SO much better now. It's true, things are better. It's also true however that there is still a but.

The but is this: There was no magic. My life didn't magically improve just because we've crossed over this perceived threshold.

You may have just said *DUH* Or maybe you just swore at me in your head. That's okay. I probably would have said the same to you one year ago.
And yet here I sit and this new life: Life in the "beyond" didn't meet my expectations.

Sure I don't constantly worry about paying the bills, and I have time to chat with my spouse. But things aren't ideal. We have moved so often and adjusted to so many different situations that I thought we would just roll through these transitions. Why wouldn't we? Look at all the things that are better.
I guess that is the problem, we haven't rolled through the transitions. Things have been difficult at work and at home. We haven't sailed smoothly through this move and new job. I am sure we will get to the point where we are settled and things are going smoothly, but it wasn't instantaneous.
I'm sure there is still much to be learned on this ride, and insight from someone further down the road would be helpful. Alas, I am where I am and can't speak for time beyond this. But to those of you who are in the mix with me, know you're not alone. And to those who have yet to come my "side" please know I love you and things may not work out like you anticipate. I hope this is some help to someone.